i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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