It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
