two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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