I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
