there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
