Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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