Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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