I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
