so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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