i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
