I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
