Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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