Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
