This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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