so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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