Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
