dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
