i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Small penises have feelings too.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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