I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
