go do what you do best...puke behind churches
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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