would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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