I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
