the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
