you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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