i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
