If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
