Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
