Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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