Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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