Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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