The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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