one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize