dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
