Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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