Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
