I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
