1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
