weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He better not be in your backpack
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
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