He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
