9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
