one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
