im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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