the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
