my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
