You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
