whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
