This dress was meant to end up on your floor
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
and she was petting her beer can
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
