youre lurking in front of me
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
