Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
