How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
