Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
