Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
