Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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