1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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