Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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