Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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