Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize