I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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