grandma shit on top of the toilet
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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