Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize